Second Draft of the Prologue to My First Book

smiley-1309084Hey. Some days ago I posted the prologue to my first book. I know it’s bad. I knew it was bad when I posted it. When I took it to one of my inner circle of writers I learned just how bad it was. I kind of want to take it offline, but where would the fun in that be. First drafts are always bad. I’ve been doing some editing it’s a decent second draft. I’ll post the second draft here on this site for you my readers. Perhaps I should have wrote something that gives you an idea of what the actual story is about. Oh well. I’ll keep this draft and the last one on this site for future writers to reference.

Later friends.


A.G.: Come on! Come on!

Yelled Adalyn. The excitement inside of her could not be contained. Her brother Diego was visiting. She enjoyed his company more than anyone else. Each one of his visits was special to her. New memories were built upon each visitation.

D.R.: Hold on a minute.

Adalyn held Diego’s arm leading him through a corridor. She was too excited for walking. As she ran, Diego had a hard time keeping up with her pace. Adalyn turned to the playroom. Once inside she let him go to explore the toy-filled room. There were toys scattered all across the floor and even more things to play with on the shelves, in the closet and in the toy box.

Diego smiled. He loved his sister’s unquenchable thirst for exploration. He walked near the window and marveled at the kids outside playing. They were having a lot of fun and he thought it would be fun to join them. He wondered if it were possible to persuade his sister to go outside.

D.R.: All the other kids are outside, we should join them.

A.G.: Are you kidding me! We have the whole playroom to ourselves. Let’s enjoy it before everybody comes back.

Diego did not complain. Whenever her mind was made up he went with it. He even enjoyed her games. Diego only wondered what she had in mind this time around.

Adalyn ran into the closet and began throwing clothes around. She was looking at dresses and hats. Diego had an idea of what game she wanted to play. He went near the closet to see what she was up to.

A.G.: Here put this on.

She handed him a sailor’s cap and he put it on. Adalyn found a polka dot dress and she put it over the dress she was already wearing. In a bin, there was a gray wig and she put it on.

A.G.: Ready?

D.R.: For what?

A.G.: The game silly. This time I’ll be the mom and you’ll be my son. Come over here.

Right away Diego knew she meant the game of Family. It was a common game they played where they dress up and pretended to be a family. Diego had a hard time figuring out which game she wanted to play because they played many games where they dress up. He thought she wanted to dress up and enact a story. That is her favorite game.

Adalyn grabbed Diego’s hand and led him to a table tea set. She cleared the table of tea and cups and emptied the chairs of stuffed animals.

A.G.: Take a seat. It’s time for lunch.

Diego was a little curious. He took a seat like she asked him to, but he wondered what she had prepared. Then he thought to himself she couldn’t have prepared anything. She wasn’t aware he was coming to visit. It then occurred to him that she meant fake food. The playroom had an assortment of toy foods lying around.

A.G.: Wait just a moment.

Diego was confused when she removed herself from the room. He knew she couldn’t have known he was going to pay her a visit. His visit was spontaneous, no one knew he was coming. Diego wondered if she was going to get some food from a fridge or perhaps some juice. He knew she knew he wasn’t a big fan of tea.

Adalyn came back into the room and sat a muffin right in front of him. The muffin was well done. It was almost completely burnt. He grabbed it and was surprised that it was soft. He looked up at Adalyn with confusion. In his mind, he wondered where did she get a muffin and why would she give this burnt muffin to him.

A.G.: I hope you’re hungry. Someone donated ovens for kids and I got to use one. I made a muffin before you got here. I want you to have it.

Diego was a master at keeping a straight face. He looked at the muffin and saw poison. Then he looked at his sister saw her big eyes and stretched smile. She was sitting straight across from him anticipating his reaction. He knew he had little choice.

D.R.: Adalyn, thank you. That is very considerate of you.

Diego looked at the window one last time before eating the muffin. He wished he’d got to go outside before consuming his poison.

D.R.: Here I go.

Diego took a small bite out of the muffin for taste. Food he had not eaten that morning was threatening to be regurgitated. He kept a cool face and swallowed it down. Immediately after he took his first bite Adalyn couldn’t contain herself.

A.D.: Do you like it?

She leaned over the table and carried with her a wide smile. Diego looked at her wanting to tell the truth, but he couldn’t do it. The last time he crushed her spirits it took her a while to bounce back.

D.G.: It’s perfect. One of the best things I’d ever eaten.

He was good at telling lies. Neither his voice nor expressions gave him away. He even managed to grin while saying he liked it. In all truth, the muffin was a disaster. It was too salty, too sweet, dry and burnt.

A.G.: That’s great! Yesterday was my first time baking and it was a disaster. The muffin was black and when I ate it it tasted horrible. I was in bed with a tummy ache all day. The other girls told the staff I was trying to hurt myself when I ate it. They are so mean! But I’m glad you like it.

Diego found humor in her story. He ate the rest of the muffin with a smile and he even topped his performance by eating the crumbs left on the plate.

D.R.: Delicious. But I think I’m full.

A.G.: Thank you big brother. I’ll make one just for you every time you visit me.

An aching stomach and health issues were in Diego’s future, but he didn’t mind. He felt there was enough reward in making someone he cared about smile. Especially when it was obvious to him that that person was sad.

D.R.: So mom, what’s next?

Before Adalyn could say anything the door to the playroom opened. Mrs. Bell came into the room and she was surprised. No kids were supposed to be in the playroom, especially unsupervised.

Mrs. Bell: What are you kids doing in here? This door should have been locked.

She mumbled the last sentence to herself. Adalyn got out of her seat and grabbed Diego’s hand. She led him back into the corridor.

Mrs. Bell: Adalyn, you and your friend need to go outside with the other kids.

Adalyn did exactly that. She led Diego to the door that would lead them outside. When they were at the door they paused. She let him go and her smile was gone and it was replaced with a frown. She stared at the ground no longer able to face Diego face to face. It was obvious she wanted to say something, but she was afraid to speak.

D.R.: Adalyn you know you can tell me anything.

Diego’s grin grew grim. He knew she looked up to him. He was her leader and role model. He knew what she wanted more than anything and that was family. She wanted someone to be there for her, but Diego couldn’t do that. He was only twelve. He wasn’t able to visit her on his own. Adalyn was waiting for him. This visit ended over four months of him being absent in her life. There was no telling how much longer until his next visit.

D.R.: My mom and I are moving to this town today. We’ll be able to visit you more often.

A.G.: So I’ll be able to see you and mom more?

D.R.: You will.

A little bit of life returned to her. But she was still upset.

A.G.: Thank you. But…

She picked her head up and looked at her brother eye to eye. Tears were in the corner of her eyes. She grabbed both of his elbows and fought against her emotions to say what was on her mind.

A.G.: I love you and mom, but I want to be adopted. We’ve been pretending for two years and I’m tired of it. I want to call you my brother and have it be true.

There was a silence. Diego needed a few seconds to think up a response. When he had one in mind he extended his arms and grabbed both of her elbows.

D.R.: Who’s pretending? You’re my little sister and you always will be. I won’t think of you any differently and neither will my mom. We love you.

Adalyn smirked than looked down to her feet. Diego smiled because he knew he got through to her. She looked up again and hugged him.

A.G.: Thank you Diego.

Her smile was back. She was so happy she couldn’t wipe it away even if she tried. Diego hugged her back.

D.R.: So mom what do we do next.

Adalyn pushed him away. For a moment she had forgotten they were playing a game. She was happy he remembered so now they could continue it.

A.G.: You need your exercise so I’m taking you to the playground.

She grabbed his hand and burst through the door. Their fun was just beginning.


One thought on “Second Draft of the Prologue to My First Book

  1. Pingback: New Website | My Name is The Orlando Gray

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